Mommy's Project 52:3 Challenging

 "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." 

-Mother Teresa

When we found out we were expecting our little Jellybean (aka Charlie) we were thrilled.  Then we did the math...eighteen months.  Our boys would only be eighteen months apart.  Not quite Irish twins, but we would have two babies under two years old.  But, we knew we could handle it.  Beau has been such a joy.  And while he has never been a napper...never...not since birth...he has been a relatively easy baby. 

Then came Charlie.  He was is perfect.  When the doctor held him over the curtain, it was deja vu.  He looked just like Beau.  I thought, "Perfect."  And, in those first two weeks he was.  In fact, he was an easier baby than Beau.  Hallelujah!  God likes us. 

And then something changed.  Our sweet, sleepy baby became cranky and gassy and often inconsolable.  People would make comments...often using the "c" word - Colic.  I can't begin to tell you how frustrated I got when people said, "colic."  Looking back, it's silly.  But colic is so, well, non-descript.  It's so vague.  So ambiguous.  And when things are vague and ambiguous, that means there's no easy answer. 

This is where I get really honest, during those weeks of colic, I thought I might lose my mind.  Forget post partum depression - that's when you're sad and weepy and can't articulate why.  This was going to be full blown psychosis!  And I knew exactly why.  He cried and cried and cried.  There seemed to be no soothing him.  What had happened to my happy baby? 

I understand now that as far as conditions go, colic is not particularly serious.  But, when it is 3:00 a.m. and you are in the throes of inconsolable, sobbing, heaving crying and for the past month you have been averaging four non-consecutive hours of sleep at night, well, nothing seems more serious. 

Sure, Billy was wonderful during this time.  He helped with Charlie and more than anything, he let me vent and vented alike.  But, it was a little different...he just doesn't get that "Mommy guilt."  Who can blame him...afterall he's not a mommy. 

I talked about the situation a little with my mom and my mommy friends.  But I don't think I ever really let on just how bad I felt.  Why not?  Surely someone else had felt this way before.  Someone out there had turned off the monitor, even if just to get silence for a few minutes.  Someone out there had bit down on their child's rubber pacifer in lieu of screaming.  Someone had looked up adoption agencies.  Ok, I'm kidding on that last one. 

The other day I read an article on just this topic.  It felt good to read the article and know that some mommies were in the same boat as me, and some were much worse off.  (Well, I didn't feel better that some ladies out there were worse off; but it kind of put things in perspective for me.)  And then I started reading the comments.  Some were just atrocious.  One comment had a mother admitting to being frustrated with her children.  The next would criticize her and tell her to "man up" so to speak.  I made a vow then and there to do two things.  First, I will always be brutally honest with my mommy friends.  And second, I will never judge.  (I actually had previously made these promises to myself, but they seem far more important now.)  The article nailed it.  Being a mother is incredibly challenging.  What's worse, it can be very lonely. 

On a sidenote - In the comments one mom spoke of her momtourage.  OMG.  I'm not 100% sure what that is - but I know I want one.  If you like to be a founding member of my momtourage, let me know.  I'm taking applications now.  ;) 

As for Charlie, just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, something changed.  It was like a lightbulb went off.  The gas, well, it passed.  (Pun intended.)  I decided not to buy stock in Mylicon.  A few days later, we noticed he was impossibly happy and giggly!  And then a few days later, another breakthrough...he slept through the night. 

I recognize that we'll have our good days and our bad days, but it is so nice to know that this stage is behind us.  Again, considering that I have such healthy children, it seems so trivial to be upset about colic.  But, I can now admit, it was the most challenging part of parenting so far. 

Now on to potty training...